What's in it for her? Types of Dommes and how to please them

[furcissy]

i wrote this on my blog this evening and thought it might be helpful

It's easy to rattle off clichés about the benefits of Femdom relationships to women, but the reality of it is that the needs of both parties involved must be met for the relationship to be truly fulfilling and happy.

The reality of it is that there's far fewer Female Dominants than there are male submissives (I know I'm beating a dead horse when I say this again) and for the male subs out there either seeking to convert their current lover into a Dominant or attempting to court a Domme, trying to understand just what makes them tick can help a lot in the long run.  These reasons may or may not correspond with the lifestyle you are looking for but in many cases there is some middle ground that can be reached that will be rewarding and sustainable on a relationship level.

Any Domme (or potential Domme) will have a variety of factors inside them that, when stirred, will get their blood pumping and help unleash their sexual power.  These factors are the ones that reach to the core of their personality and usually tread the lines of what we consider taboo in modern society.

I will ignore benefits such as avoiding having to perform mundane household chores (since I don't know a woman who wouldn't prefer being able to avoid those things) as well as Dommes who purely seek financial gain through exploiting willing submissive men.  Anyone with a willing heart and a pulse is capable of filling the submissive roles required by these situations.

So where exactly does the drive to live this lifestyle and pleasure from this lifestyle come from for her?  In my experiences in both vanilla and D/s relationships as well as female friends I have had over the years I believe there's sets of both active and passive roles inside every woman that are the keys to her heart, mind, and sexuality.

In an active role a woman derives pleasure from the things that she does.
In a passive role a woman derives pleasure from the things that are done to or for her.

Women, being the superior creatures that they are, tend to be quite a bit more complicated than many of the male subs out there and so they usually cannot be pigeon-holed into just one category.  Most Dommes will take on a mixture of roles and they may shift between frequently or have several of them show up at the same time.

Here are a few of them that come to mind (sorry if you don't like the names I'm giving them, I'm just making them up as I go along).  If you can think of any other types let me know and I can try to write more.  If you are looking to convert a wife or girlfriend into more of a Dominant, take some time pondering exactly which of these best-match the characteristics of her personality.

Active Roles

The Sensualist (common)
The Sensualist enjoys the physical pleasures of sexuality and the heightened response caused by of arousal.  While she will likely thrive on the receiving end of sexual pleasure the pleasure in her active role happens through playful teasing of her sub's arousal and manipulating his physical responses.  Tease & denial, orgasm denial, strict orgasm control, and ruined orgasms are common activities for Sensualists.  Expect her to want to see you squirm.

Sensualists are fairly common amongst both BDSM and vanilla women.  They generally enjoy sexual activities and subs wishing to stay sexually active in a D/s relationship may wish to pursue this type of Domme.

The Sadist (uncommon)

The Sadist enjoys inflicting pain and suffering on her subs.  Her pleasure is usually derived from the whimpers and cries from her sub as she performs painful and uncomfortable actions upon them and the knowledge that she is making them suffer.  Corporal punishment, CBT, and heavy bondage are frequently involved.  Sadists will also frequently implement chastity as another form of suffering.

You will find two distinct types of Sadists out there.  One type will feel guilty for taking pleasure in inflicting pain.  These Sadists will generally seek out subs that are masochistic pain sluts and that gain arousal and pleasure through pain.  The other type of Sadists experience these pleasures guilt-free.  Guilt-free Sadists will usually prefer subs that are not masochists since she will likely prefer it when subs derive no pleasure from their pain.

The Tease (very common)
The Tease is similar to the Sensualist but there are some key differences.  Teases enjoy getting their subs aroused and draw confidence and pleasure from knowing they are the object of desire.  As this continues it can feed their desire to tease and increase the level of intensity and pleasure they derive from doing so.  While it might start out by dressing provocatively and some mild flirting it may eventually escalate to getting a sub's hopes (and penis) raised through the roof and then knocking them down without a second thought.

Also like Sensualists, Teases are quite common amongst both BDSM and vanilla women.  These types of Dommes are often quite playful and if they carry a cruel streak, they may often enjoy humiliation as well.

The Controller (very uncommon)
Controllers are often the types of Dommes that subs fantasize about in stories but it's rare to find a woman who wishes to be in this role for more than a small fraction of the time.  Controllers are known for wanting to micro-manage the majority of their sub's lives and derive their pleasure from wielding power over their sub.  In a relationship with a Controller you can probably expect nearly expectation and behavior being spelled out for you:  what time to wake up, what time to go to sleep, what to wear, what kind of haircut to get, what job to have, when you need to be home, if you can leave the room, if you can enter the room, chastity, etc.

It seems that controllers are often the most-fantasized about type of Domme but this is also probably the least common type of Domme out there.  They do exist, but it takes a very rare type of personality to be bothered with a lot of the tedious factors involved with micro-managing.  If you seek this type I would recommend only pursuing those who have pretty much described themselves as being this way.  If you are attempting to turn your wife/girlfriend into a Domme, I really wouldn't try to lead her down this path (at least not for a long time).  A few women might enjoy making a sub ask for permission to go to the bathroom but most women would rather not be bothered having to answer that question.

The Disciplinarian (uncommon)
Disciplinarians are an interesting type.  They aren't pure Sadists since their physical punishments aren't wanton and they find ways to justify the need for punishment.  They aren't pure Controllers either since they tend to wait until after an action has been performed by their sub to show their colors.  A Disciplinarian draws pleasure on several fronts and in exactly what way can be fairly complicated to describe.  It is a mixture of control within her situation, having a subject forced to bend to her demands, and power wielded over that subject in delivering punishment.  Being in a relationship with a Disciplinarian you should expect strict behavioral expectations and regular sessions of corporal punishment.  Extensive rituals and mannerisms may be expected as well.

Disciplinarians are often perfectionists with long memories and this behavior is often learned from her experiences with her parents.  If you struggle with self-esteem issues it is probably wise to avoid these types of relationships as feeling like you've failed her will probably be a regular occurrence.

The Humiliator (uncommon)
Humiliators are similar to Sadists but you can think of them more as "Emotional Sadists."  The Humiliator draws her pleasure from pain, suffering, and anguish inflicted on a mental and emotional level.  Seeing you blush, looking/feeling ashamed, and overall, finding ways to make you squirm and writhe in your own skin are what makes her tick along with the knowledge that she has someone devoted who will suffer in this way just for her.  Forced dressing, public outings, and being shown off to her friends are a few activities you could expect in a relationship with a Humiliator.

You may find some Humiliators that prefer to be at the cause of the humiliation and others that prefer to take more of a spectator role, observing the humiliation of her sub taking place and often forcing the sub to instigate the humiliating situation (which yields additional level of mental anguish).  Also, many Humiliators are also Sadists and/or Teases.   

The Top (common)
Tops want to call all of the shots in the bedroom.  They know how they want things to be and that is the way that it happens.  Tops derive their pleasure from sexual activities that display their power over their sub.  The pleasure may be one-sided and those situations may escalate their dominant feelings.  Activities such as extended cunnilingus sessions, face-sitting, light bondage, gender/role reversal, and pegging are quite common with Tops.

Tops are also fairly common among both vanilla and BDSM women but the more extreme the sexual activity, the less common they will be.

The Cuckoldress (very uncommon)
I'm not sure exactly sure how Cuckoldresses draw their pleasure but I have a feeling that it comes to them in several ways.  In making a cuckold of her sub, a Cuckoldress displays her power on several fronts that can affect both her and her sub.  By taking a lover she shows that her sexual needs are of primary importance and this can also mean that her sub's status is so diminished that he is no longer worthy of her as a lover.  She can also use this as a tool to humiliate her sub through diminished status and/or showing that his penis is inferior.  Chastity, forced voyeurism, forced homosexuality, and post-orgasm cunnilingus are common activities with this type of relationship.

Overall, Cuckoldresses are usually fairly complex in their motivations and reasons.  It is more common for long-standing D/s relationships to "grow" to this point over a long period of time than to have this happen quickly.  Trust must be firmly rooted for a relationship with a Cuckoldress to work out in the long run.

Passive Roles

The Goddess (very common)
The Goddess is an object of reverence, devotion, and adoration.  She sit in a position of power, her status elevated above the men that worship her.  Her desires are granted no matter what effort is required to do so.  She wants to feel like she has been placed on a pedestal and is the most important person in the world.  While a Goddess can basically obtain anything she wants, the root of her pleasure is from feeling special, feeling important, and having a loyal and devoted sub.

Most women wish to feel this way.  If you understand women in the slightest and hope to make one happy you will probably have good luck catering towards a Goddess both in vanilla and BDSM relationships.

The Powerful (common)
The Powerful can be similar to a Goddess but her drive is to feel the power of being the pant-wearing decision-maker.  She wants the final say in every important decision and that may extend over into minor decisions depending upon her mood.

Even though she is a Powerful, keep in mind there are times when she will not wish to have to make every trivial decision and it's up to you to have enough personality to manage in those times.  If she asks you what you would like for dinner, there's a good chance she is looking for ideas on what to have for dinner and repeating back "whatever you would like" again and again is likely to piss her off.  Answer her with a "how about ?" and know she will either veto or agree. 

The Pampered (very common)
The Pampered is also very similar to a Goddess but draws her primary pleasure in a different way.  She thrives on feeling catered to and waited on.  This will be a large part of day to day life and probably also bleed into the bedroom.

With these types of Dommes be ready to flex your sub-skills to make her happy.  Being able to give her a great massage, mix her favorite drink perfectly, and showering her with gifts will go a long ways.

The Man-Hater (uncommon)
While this might be viewed as an active role, I believe the pleasure that a Man-Hater derives from Femdom is more of a mindset than any one action.  Man-Haters are usually lesbians and generally harbor some long-standing hatred towards the male gender (often caused by trauma).  Man-Haters will usually dominate a male sub in several active roles usually with the intent of punishing them for being a man or using them as a representation of the entire male gender.

While a relationship with a Man-Hater may be a form of fantasy, it is unlikely that a long-term healthy relationship could be sustained.

The Female Supremacist (uncommon)
Female Supremacists may share similar characteristics to several of the other passive roles but they derive pleasure from feeling like a superior woman to an inferior man.  Many of the activities that may happen aren't viewed as luxuries, but seen more as the way things should be.   

Relationships with Female Supremacists have the potential to reach the greatest levels of intensity and often the most extreme activities.  I would recommend steering clear of these relationships unless you genuinely believe in Female Supremacy.

The Insecure (common)
The Insecure are Dommes that tend to go after Femdom relationships because they feel safer and more secure in them.  These relationships often aren't very healthy because rather than dominating out of confidence, they tend to dominate due to lack of confidence.  This may be only a temporary stage in a woman's life but it is difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with them while they are this way.

I know that everyone feels insecure sometimes about something and so when I reference this group I mean it only for rather extreme cases.  If you can ride things out they may change for the better but it may take a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a decent amount of time for that to happen.  If you find yourself in one of these relationships and want to make things work my advice is to stay loyal, stay loving, and always give it your all.

[ErisianaCherie]

LOL!

As if it wasn't confusing enough to try and figure out where one stands in the top vs. dom vs. Mistress/Master schema, now you go and invent a whole taxonomy of femdoms!

Let's see...I am definitely a Sensualist & a VERY much a Tease, and also a rather guilty Sadist.

I'm way more of a Controller than tia wishes I were.  I DEFINTELY like feeling that I COULD control every move she makes, if I chose to exert myself to do so.  This I think is what makes me at heart a "Mistress"  (in the sense of a slave-owner) rather than a "Domme" (in the sense of someone who does kinky scenes, but relates as equals with her subs the rest of the time.)

Disciplinarian - a perfectionist with a long memory, who punishes you later for your infractions?  Big yes to that one too.  Ask tia about her punishment journal, or my own mental list.  In this aspect I'm also drawn to archetypes such as the teacher/headmistess.

The Humiliator - I think you need guilty/not guilty subtypes here (as with the Sadist) too.  I  love to manipulate my subs emotionally, make them blush and squirm and sometimes even cringe, but what I'm really getting off on is knowing that THEY are also getting off on it.  In fact, I very frequently make my subs do things like beg me to abuse them and tell me what nasty whores/sluts/sissies/etc they are, and will punish them if their words are not plentiful & pretty enough.

That feeling of getting off on forcing someone else to admit that THEY're getting off on you abusing them.  Is there a name for that? There should be.

And since we're on the subject of semantics, might I suggest that the "guilty" and "not guilty" might also be seen as the difference between a domme who cares about her sub's actual happiness vs one who wants her own desires satisfied regardless of how it affects others.  There ARE subs who WANT to be with women who do not actually care for them, and who will run away from anybody who seems likely to do so.  I've known women who were disappointed by such subs and been one myself, once.

Anyway, I think the "guilty" domme feels that guilt because she wants her sub to REALLY be happy & satisfied, even if he APPEARS to be tortured with embarassment/shame/pain/whatever.  She will seek reassurance after intense play that he IS happy with getting what he asked for, and she may need encouragment to engage in more intense play activities.

In a 24/7 relationship she may also be more likely to get pissed & drop the D/s altogether if he resists her control in the areas of doing chores, etc.  She needs to feel that her role as Mistress is substantive and not just kinky playacting for his sexual benefit.

There's another layer here too I think, altough maybe it fits more with the Disciplinarian motive-set.  You've noted yourself that you perform best as a submissive when you are in a state of anxiety, feeling like nothing you do will please Mistress.  I've noticed something like this with tia. (Who at 1+ year of being collared is my longest-term 24/7 slave) When she is most comfortable & contented is when I am most likely to feel...neglected.  And when she is terrified that I'm angry with her is when I'm most pleased with the fervency of her efforts.

I'm not exactly comfortable with this awareness.  Being a GUILTY Humiliator I don't like the thought that someone else's REAL unhappiness is required for me to be happy. But there it is.

The Top - now here I am getting confused with your Top as someone who likes to be the boss in bed vs. the common BDSM scene definition of a Top as someone who likes to INFLICT pain/sensation on others.  A fine distincion I know, but for many women I think there IS a difference, personality-wise, between liking to give someone a spanking and liking to order them to lick your pussy.

In the sense you put it - as someone who calls the shots in the bedroom, says when the sex will happen and what kind of sex it will be - I am definitely a Top.  In the classic BDSM sense?  Not so much; I'm more the sort that likes to tell you to do things than the sort that likes to do things to you.

The Cuckoldress - Honestly?  I do not think it is possible for a polyamorously-wired person such as myself to really feel the psychology behind "cuckoldry" as a fetish. It relies on a buying-into the notion of sexual fidelity; the event of one's lover having sex with another loses it's fetishistic potency when that's just the way things are done. Eg, most of the subs I've met who describe themselves as wanting to be cuckolded are actually looking for a monagamous relationship with a woman in which she will tease them with the possibility of taking a lover. As anyone who gets involved with me is required to live with the ACTUALITY of my existing relationships, they tend to flee pretty quickly.

Having said that, many of the individual squirmy bits...the teasing that the sub isn't worthy, his penis is too tiny, his stamina lacking, his femininity so dominant he could never be the manly stud my OTHER lovers are...even the "forced" bi  and regular creampie eating...are certainly present in my poly D/s relationship. It's play of a variety that I would class as "Humiliator" behavior. And coming from that motive-set I enjoy such play qiute a lot.

Moving on to the "passive" roles...I am definitely a Pampered Goddess.  And I completely agree when you say most women, both vanilla and kinky, are.

Although I'd like to be more actively Controlling, the realities of life make my role more passively Powerful.

I am completely not a Man-Hater or a Female Supremacist, BUT

1) I DO believe that there are physiological differences between the genders which tend to encourage female sexual control.

2) I ALSO believe that some of us are just "wired" to be dom or sub, and that when you put an appropriate pairing of the two together, it IS "the way things should be" for one to be dominant and the other submissive.

It's a joke but with an element of truth in it when I say "I don't think FEMALES are superior...I just think *I"M* superior"  (And now I'm wondering if this means tia has a life of very intense experiences to look forward to, hehehe!)

Finally, your last category, the Insecure.  I certainly would not LIKE to think of myself as coming from this motive-set in choosing a D/s lifestyle.  And considering the matter rationally I don't think I am.  For one thing, I really came into my own power as a domme AFTER I'd faced all sorts of other trials that tested my self-confidence.  Becoming a domme was an outgrowth of that newfound power & maturity for me.

But there's another motive-set very similar to this that IS a strong part of my dominant personality...the motive of wanting to escape from everyday life & its responsibilities.  Which makes a very nice segue, don't you think, into my own suggested addition to your taxonomy...

The HEDONIST
Her daily life may be physically gruelling or involve a lot of caring for others.  She uses her D/s role as a way of balancing that.  She's likely to take pleasure in going out to fetish clubs & scene events, and in dressing the part when she does.  (This is distinct from those with e.g. a leather or latex fetish whose attire is reflective of their fetish.) Our Hedonist domme is playing a grown up game of make-believe and her attire & recreational activities are part of the game. 

She'll be pleased by the same sorts of things as the Pampered and Goddess types.  But this type will likely be especially appreciative/demanding of useful service that eases her everyday stress, eg running errands, doing house or yardwork, and will reward such service with extra attention, playtime & kinky imaginativeness. She may also be especially reticent about letting you get close; the escapism that motivates her is a reflection of her sense of responsibility.

I think it needs to be added that whichever of these categories is present, and which "type" of domme a woman seems to be, ALSO depends on the sub she is with.  My style now is pretty heavy on the "Humiliator" and light on the "Sadist" because my slave goes crazy for erotic embarassment and does not like much pain.  It's a reinforcing cycle...I enjoy a certain sort of reaction, so I do the things he responds best to, and those things become more central in our relationship.

But I can be very different with other partners.  I've had a pain slut that I was all Sadist with, and I've another sissy sub who annoys me so frequently that my attitude/behavior with him borders on the Man-Hater. Granted, neither of those boys would be serious candidates for a 24/7 D/s relationship with me. But then a LOT of subguys who are searching for a domme are not looking for 24/7.

And I wonder at this point if the POLYAMOROUS &/or SWINGING domme might not merit her own category.  Because there is also that lustto experience new & different things, to have exciting sexual adventures, that strongly drives some of us. 

Let me try to explain that a little better:  In my time involved in "the scene" I have paid way more attention to subs than to other dommes.  I have only a few close domme friends, and a passing acquantance with a lot of others, on which to base my observations. But I have noticed that there are "respectable" sorts of dommes, who tend to only want the one sub and prefer to spend their time at parties socializing with other dommes, and then there are "wild" sorts, who are out there doing (often frankly sexual) scenes with multiple partners and who maybe tend to hang out with the boys more than the girls. 

Again bearing in mind that I have not been keeping count or anything, it seems to me that the "respectable" sort are the norm and the "wild" sort are a breed of their own.  And that the "wild" sort are FAR more likely to get involved in the business side of things.

Ok, it is time to stop before I write a whole damn book, lol!  This was a great topic furcissy.

[furcissy]

thank you again for the reply. 

That feeling of getting off on forcing someone else to admit that THEY're getting off on you abusing them.  Is there a name for that? There should be.

not to my knowledge, but i would generally classify this under humiliation... a name might be forced emasculation? 

When she is most comfortable & contented is when I am most likely to feel...neglected.  And when she is terrified that I'm angry with her is when I'm most pleased with the fervency of her efforts.

I'm not exactly comfortable with this awareness.  Being a GUILTY Humiliator I don't like the thought that someone else's REAL unhappiness is required for me to be happy. But there it is.

i wouldn't worry about it too much.  i always look at it from the view of the barter system.  if she wasn't happy with the trade he would pull out, so in essence, by giving one level of unhappiness you are filling another role of happiness.

Finally, your last category, the Insecure.  I certainly would not LIKE to think of myself as coming from this motive-set in choosing a D/s lifestyle.  And considering the matter rationally I don't think I am.  For one thing, I really came into my own power as a domme AFTER I'd faced all sorts of other trials that tested my self-confidence.  Becoming a domme was an outgrowth of that newfound power & maturity for me.

i don't think you would fall into this either.  the Dommes i would classify as this type generally can't keep a D/s relationship or vanilla relationship going for more than a month or two.  i kind of feel bad for them but at the same time some don't want to grow beyond it.  there's a couple of Dommes locally that are kind of looked down upon and scoffed at by the other Dommes.  what stands out to me the most is that these types aren't the ones who are searching for their perfect sub, they are ones that meet with a sub a few times and pretty soon he won't return her phone calls and he never gave her his address, etc.  with the populations as biased as they are in a Domme's favor, the ones who send the subs running away must be doing something horribly wrong from a relationship standpoint.

And I wonder at this point if the POLYAMOROUS &/or SWINGING domme might not merit her own category.  Because there is also that lustto experience new & different things, to have exciting sexual adventures, that strongly drives some of us. 

i honestly haven't come into contact with enough of these types to be able to "profile" them at all.  i have had a couple of Mistresses go out on dates with other women and sometimes have lesbian sex with them, but the majority of Dommes i know usually want something more predictable and stable and tend to spend long periods of time screening subs to find the right one before they ever get involved with them otherwise.

the few i have come into contact with of this sort were usually on the younger side of things (18-24). 

The HEDONIST
Her daily life may be physically gruelling or involve a lot of caring for others.  She uses her D/s role as a way of balancing that.  She's likely to take pleasure in going out to fetish clubs & scene events, and in dressing the part when she does.  (This is distinct from those with e.g. a leather or latex fetish whose attire is reflective of their fetish.) Our Hedonist domme is playing a grown up game of make-believe and her attire & recreational activities are part of the game.

She'll be pleased by the same sorts of things as the Pampered and Goddess types.  But this type will likely be especially appreciative/demanding of useful service that eases her everyday stress, eg running errands, doing house or yardwork, and will reward such service with extra attention, playtime & kinky imaginativeness. She may also be especially reticent about letting you get close; the escapism that motivates her is a reflection of her sense of responsibility.

is it okay if i post this on my blog?

I think it needs to be added that whichever of these categories is present, and which "type" of domme a woman seems to be, ALSO depends on the sub she is with.  My style now is pretty heavy on the "Humiliator" and light on the "Sadist" because my slave goes crazy for erotic embarassment and does not like much pain.  It's a reinforcing cycle...I enjoy a certain sort of reaction, so I do the things he responds best to, and those things become more central in our relationship.

But I can be very different with other partners.  I've had a pain slut that I was all Sadist with, and I've another sissy sub who annoys me so frequently that my attitude/behavior with him borders on the Man-Hater. Granted, neither of those boys would be serious candidates for a 24/7 D/s relationship with me. But then a LOT of subguys who are searching for a domme are not looking for 24/7.

it's good to be versatile?     imo, if a Domme shows different sides to subs who have different desires it doesn't change who she is deep down.  each facet of the personality can shine through at any time.  when i wrote this list it was under the assumption that most women would be able to classify themselves as 5+ of these types and not just one of them.  i probably should have stated that explicitly. 

the more facets of kink-drive that a Domme has, the more "complete" her sub would have to be or it may take multiple subs to get her "fix" on all levels.  i don't think there's anything wrong with that.  now that i think about it though, i have come across some very sadistic Dommes that preferred her subs not enjoy anything she did to them, so that might be the exception.


thanks again for the lengthy reply.  it was a very interesting read.

[ErisianaCherie]

Clearly you've been hanging out with the "respectable" dommes furcissy.   

Sure you can post "The Hedonist" to your blog!  I'd be honored.

In fact, I was thinking perhaps you and I could eventually turn this into a "Field Guide to North American Dommes" or something like that.   

I have been thinking more about it, obviously, and I suggest...

1) Perhaps using the terms "Cruel" and "Nurturing" to describe the guilty/not guilty distinction?  And that this distinction might show up in more categories than just "The Sadist" and "The Humiliator"?

2) Another addition - The Girlfriend

This domme really enjoys bringing out the girl in you.  She likes having a submissive friend to do girly things (eg painting nails, doing hair) with, and enjoys dressing & playing with you like her own giant doll.

She's probably a very feminine bisexual or lesbian woman.  The lesbian type might ONLY play with boys who dress en femme.  Either way, her enjoyment comes from sharing a love of feminine fripperies with an eager & appreciative sidekick.

_____________________________

I still think the poly domme deserves her own category too. 

and p.s.  For me, the fact that I DO have so many kinky drives is at least part of WHY I am a poly domme.  I recognize that I'm never gonna find everything I want/need in just one other person!